When Will We Finally Have Movies That Women Want to See?

If you’ve been listening to the press, you’re probably aware of the new Ghostbusters requelboot staring a bunch of female comics that nobody actually cares about.  It’s great!  I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m pretty excited.  After all, I loved the first one, which was written by and starring a bunch of late-night TV comedians who were in their prime, back when late-night TV comedy was something that people actually watched.  I’m sure this new generation of late-night TV comedians will be just as good!  I’m sure late-night TV comedy is still relevant!  And the best part is that even if it’s awful, we’ll get to blame everyone who hates the movie for being sexist pigs.  That’s wonderful, and it feels great.

So with that in mind, I think it’s high time that women in Hollywood finally got to do all the movies that audiences like me really want to see.

It’s commonly asserted that women usually want to watch romantic-comedies or overwrought dramas that star male leads with chiseled physiques and moderately dumpy women.  Speaking as a white male, I have to admit: this is bogus.  Women want the same things men want.  They’re human beings just like we are, and gosh darn it, it’s twenty sixteen.  When are we going to start thinking of women as being human beings?!  It’s obvious to me that what women want to see more of are superheroes, secret agents, sports movies, and military glamorization.

You might be thinking to yourself, “wait a minute, that doesn’t seem to make any sense—after all, whenever I’m trying to watch James Bond or Transformers with my girlfriend, she always wants to change the channel to something like The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants or The Notebook.”  Well, I’m sorry to say, but if you’re thinking such a thing, then your girlfriend has probably internalized the harmful misogynistic gender roles.  And before you say it, no, you are not allowed to like things that I don’t like.  By the way, you’re probably a sexist.

So what’s the deal?

I mean, is it realistic, immersive?  Well—no; I have to admit it does break a bit of my immersion when a woman who can’t weigh more than 130lbs take down whole squads of 200lb soldiers with one or two blows, and I do find it a little unrealistic when she never breaks a sweat doing any of it.  I mean, it’s not like we ever see her train in a single movie the character has ever been in; we don’t see any rounds on a punching bag or meditative sequences or sparring with a partner—things the other staples of the team are shown doing at least once or twice.  But you know, it’s a movie.  I’m really just overanalyzing things.  After all, why should women train fitness like men?  That’s too manly.  Women should just be depicted as good at everything.  Because they are.  Even if they aren’t.  Hang on a second.  No, wait, I’m sure this makes sense somehow.

The truth is that women want the same kind of escapist wish fulfillment that men do.  They want to see ridiculously attractive babes dressed up in skintight suits showing off their curves and cleavage—just like how all of our manly heroic action stars show off their chiseled abs and ridiculously sculpted physiques whenever they’re being tortured by Bond villains or they’re slaughtering Thulsa Doom’s army of murderous barbarians.  Men want to be have chiseled abs and sculpted physiques.  Women want to have attractive bodies.  And they want to kick ass.  It’s equality, damnit!  Don’t tell me a woman’s taste is different than a male’s!  This is twenty sixteen and I can’t believe that any woman would want to pretend to be fat, dumpy, and hideous if given the option.  You might as well make wish-fulfillment dramas about awkward pimple-faced teenagers and their overweight friends as they try to get by in high school while the world keeps getting them down in vaguely abstract ways.

Oh shit, those actually exist.

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