Try Reading Something Good

So your coworker actually watches television, and you aren’t entirely sure if that’s just so he has something to talk about while waiting for the coffee to brew or if he genuinely enjoys the never-ending torrent of Netflix and HBO original series.  He’s a large man who rarely works out, periodically smells like Cheetos, leans apolitically liberal, and has an annoying and somewhat unmanly inflection in his voice whenever he talks with you, but he’s friendly and he tends to work pretty hard at his job—probably because he doesn’t have any hobbies to speak of except for playing video games and trying to get over the last girlfriend who moved out. Continue reading “Try Reading Something Good”

James Cameron Really, Really Likes Women

James Cameron, acclaimed director of movies you’ve probably already seen and probably already liked, took to the stage recently to promote a rerelease of Terminator 2: Judgement Day.  For those who haven’t seen it, it’s an insightful coming-of-age film about a troubled boy searching desperately for a father figure after his single mom has been institutionalized for believing in scary time-traveling robots.  Also, it stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as a robotic, disposable male, Robert Patrick as an evil faceless cop, Linda Hamilton as the psychotic mom, and Ed Furlong as the juvenile delinquent.  The movie is considered by many to be better than its predecessor, and indeed, one of the best films of the 1990s—something of a modern American classic, where every problem is solved with car chases, explosions, and expensive showdowns in urban, industrialized environments where humor consists of little more than shallow one-liners. Continue reading “James Cameron Really, Really Likes Women”

Things Are, In Fact, Going Great

The eclipse yesterday passed without much to-do.  There were no demons or reptilians making their first public appearances, no aliens, no nuclear weapons going off, and the earthquakes were all localized affairs that had nothing to do with east-coasters.  It was not the end of the world, nor even the end of the country, despite the coincidence with a 241-year cycle that marked the country’s inception and the last time this particular eclipse happened.  There were, however, some astoundingly stupid comments dribbled out by our internet elite. Continue reading “Things Are, In Fact, Going Great”

Korn’s Lyrics Are Better Than Slam Poetry

So let’s say you’re fourteen, bullied in school, have a relatively easy home life, don’t have much need to work yet, and your biggest worries include how to get that one girl to notice you in class, how to get a passing grade in the gym class you keep skipping, and how you’re going to afford the next Call of Duty game when it comes out.  You’re probably a nerd, and if the year is 2003, then you’re a nerd that might be listening to nu metal as a form of adolescent rebellion. Continue reading “Korn’s Lyrics Are Better Than Slam Poetry”

Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 Is Complete Garbage

I recently got a PS4 and bundled with it came this terrible next installment of the Call of Duty franchise.  If I could have gotten the system with a few bucks knocked off and without this retarded game, I’d have done so.

I love shooters.  I don’t play them often.  In fact, I don’t particularly play video games much and I confess I have no particular love for the concept.  That said, however, pulverizing fake people on screen and reducing them to screaming, bloody chunks is admittedly a soft spot I’ve kept over the years.  Busting heads open and running people over is a great stress reliever, especially when you’re about halfway through a bottle of bourbon and it’s three in the morning. Continue reading “Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 Is Complete Garbage”

When Will We Finally Have Movies That Women Want to See?

If you’ve been listening to the press, you’re probably aware of the new Ghostbusters requelboot staring a bunch of female comics that nobody actually cares about.  It’s great!  I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m pretty excited.  After all, I loved the first one, which was written by and starring a bunch of late-night TV comedians who were in their prime, back when late-night TV comedy was something that people actually watched.  I’m sure this new generation of late-night TV comedians will be just as good!  I’m sure late-night TV comedy is still relevant!  And the best part is that even if it’s awful, we’ll get to blame everyone who hates the movie for being sexist pigs.  That’s wonderful, and it feels great.

So with that in mind, I think it’s high time that women in Hollywood finally got to do all the movies that audiences like me really want to see. Continue reading “When Will We Finally Have Movies That Women Want to See?”

Things I Learned During My Time In Food Service – #1

I recently quit my job working as a food preparer at a cafeteria.  It was an awful gig, but it paid the bills and, for the job that I was hired to do, the pay and benefits weren’t terrible.  Health insurance, about two weeks of vacation time a year, very little sick time and, what really made it work out at the time, was a 6am – 2pm shift.  Had to clock out for lunch, of course, so they were seven and a half hour days at a little over ten dollars and some change per hour, but hey—easy work, easy schedule.  What more could a good-for-nothing writer and aspiring entrepreneur ask for? Continue reading “Things I Learned During My Time In Food Service – #1”

Should you go to major city centers in Tokyo?

I have explored, relatively speaking, very little of the great metropolitan sewer of Tokyo.  An oval-shaped train line called the Yamanote runs through every major city center, and despite my making the full round of it many times, I doubt I have dismounted at half of the stops, and still fewer have I explored appreciably.  That being said, this is less of a guide and more of a short summation of my experiences at the three I spend time at the most: Shinjuku, Shibuya, and Ikebukuro.  One can get their fill of impersonal big city ass-grabbing and shoving at any of these three, but like anything else groping is multifarious.  Your sphincter deserves to know the big differences and gritty details. Continue reading “Should you go to major city centers in Tokyo?”

On Americans and Japanese Dogs

During the month of February I volunteered at an animal rescue in the mountains of the Kansai area of Japan as one part of my study abroad program’s curriculum. Living in Tokyo causes one, no matter how inborn an amicable country bumpkin, to come to view others as bags of meat whose lone reason for existence is as an impediment to you, whether you are on your way to class, to go out drinking, or to the bathroom. Indeed, my bowels discriminate against those I consider less than human. Continue reading “On Americans and Japanese Dogs”

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